H.A.L.T.- is an acronym for HUNGRY, ANGRY, LONELY, TIRED.  These are the ingredients for DEPRESSION. At least, if I remember my now deceased Dr.’s description correctly.  One of these feelings or the deadly four will cause all those positive building blocks, to crumble.  All good experiences, happiness, lack of love, cause the wall to disintegrate.  This is especially so, when attacked by repeated negative responses, such as: “You’re worthless, lazy, can’t do anything correctly, Are you eating again? Get control of yourself ?  Or have you looked at yourself lately?’”etc.  Or it could simply be, “ Who’s going to want that?”, when you lovingly crafted a beautiful quilt.
P for PAIN & SUFFERING- should also be a part of this acronym.  Living with chronic pain or disease, causes the same responses of depression.  Often times the disease is life threatening such as cancer.  But pain from a arthritic condition will isolate you.  Things you enjoyed earlier in life, are no longer an option.
Suffering losses, which may be small, at first, but seem to build, as one positive thing or person in your life disappears, either through death, divorce, alienation, or family dispute.  It registers the same with horrible pain, loss, & guilt.  And with that loss comes loneliness!  Trying to find a substitute for that part of you life, may not always be easy.  This happens especially, when advancing years keep you homebound.  It is hard to find human contact.  Everyone from an infant to the elderly, need to be touched in a positive way, either by voice, act, or human hand.  It is a basic need to be loved, for who you are now. 
We were often asked in Weight Watchers, if you have an urge to eat, what are you hungry for?  There are many hungers, one just as great as the other.  You can be satisfied physically with food, but still crave the most important needs of life, such as LOVE.  You may also eat because you are lonely, tired, or just blue.  Having eaten food, you may even be hungrier because what you hungered for in life, is not or EVER will be available. It is a vicious circle.  All the H.A.L.T. symptoms cause is the reinforced self love with food.  I’m mad, I eat.  I’m blue, I eat. I crave love, I eat. I need companionship or contact with the outside world, I eat.  A hard day’s work, or spring housecleaning done or I didn’t sleep well last night, I’m so tired, I eat.  And so the merry-go-round goes on & on.
I think of our mental skeleton, as building blocks.  From birth, the positive, loving acts become the mortar in our mental skeleton or make-up.  As life goes on, we add more to our wall of self image.  Negative feelings will loosten some mortar & a brick may crumble.  But when many things happen either all at once, & build over the years, we lose more bricks.  And suddenly in life, we have lost the last brick, that supports our well being.  Our mind falls into these traps of lacking self confidence, self worth, loathing & not valuing our worth in the family, society, or self.  Nothing positive to cling to, lack of pleasure in life, only hopelessness, the darkness, that never brings the light into our life, until we seek help from a PROFESSIONAL.  Never be ashamed of your feelings or thoughts.  If so called “ normal” people would only admit it, they would often feel this way, too.  Someone said, “ To err is to be human !”  Wise thought!

I know that my poetry tends to be dark & ominous right now, but as you 


have surmised from the poetry that life is bleak! My husband of 50 years, is declining with many of the old man’s diseases. I myself am facing dialysis. God alone knows when all will come to fruition.  I have read some of your blogs. No matter what age, everyone mourns the death of a relationship. Try to get some help.  Do things that bring you enjoyment & validation. Don’t spend a “Wasted Life” mourning what you cannot have or enjoy. Life is so short! I know that no one can tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel or get over it.  That’s not how it works. Talk to someone.
Eventually the pain does pass!


Seven decades ago, a life
Presented to an anxious world,
Expelled from the mother’s womb,   
Too early, but survived the trauma.
A tiny premature infant was birthed,
That cold, blustery winter day!
A child’s emotional life doomed,
Death separated a five year union,        
The young widow left without means.
Tenderly parceled her two precious children,
To the loving care of those around her.
 Giving birth- the last fruit of her womb.
A six year absence, brought new hope,
To a family, long separated by a death.
A new father to bring love & unity,
Instead, visited his unspeakable acts,
Upon a life, broken by loss & separation.
The final nail in the child’s future.
Therefore, a wasted life was spent,
Seeking what was lost, unattainable,
Compensation for inadequacies, scarcely enough,
Wise choices not made, dreams became fantasies.
A course charted from the start, for failure,
One act, should FOREVER change a life!

  Filed under: DEPRESSION | Tagged: DEPRESSION, | INCEST No Comments »
Posted on December 3, 2008 by alicehahn | Edit



 The face of Dementia is Alzheimer’s Disease, was the official diagnosis yesterday.  I have known for awhile that his problems, weren’t just plain as a result of old age.  Besides his deteriorating memory, his motor skills were poor.  He walks like a toddler.  Things once easily grasped, are now dropped or he has a poor hold on things.  The saddest thing is watching him try to pull his covers up over his body, as he tries to get in bed.  It is impossible to always help him all the time, as he’s up & down most of the 24 hrs.  But, the biggest change is in the part of the brain, that registers anger.  He used to be so easily excitable, but now very calm & stoic in nature.  His vacant cast displayed on his face, tells it all.  So if you are so inclined, please pray for us both.  Thank You!  Enjoy the holidays.  Don’t forget to keep our military & their families, in your prayers, as well.


Anyone who is a caregiver for an Alzheimer’s  person, might find this helpful.
I got some puzzles from this place.  They are a little pricey, but good.
He sits & ponders his dilemma.
His gait toddles back & forth,
Endless questions, insufficient answers,
Constant concern about his situation,
Worries about his future.
The cycle continues over again.
Obsession with small things-
A spot on the floor;  dish out of place;
Routine to be followed-
Dinner at five, bedtime at six,
Trash be collected, continuously,
Disbelief, as strokes his face!
A shave almost accomplished.
Tasks once so easy- now
A major event for him!
Clothes that don’t slide on,
Makes dressing impossible.
Such effort- feet barely move.
An appliance assists his walk.
Restricted in life- loneliness, despair.
His mind falters, as he tries-
To find answers, where there’s none.
Memories fade, memory lost,
Misplaced objects never found.
No logic to the clean up,
That endlessly consumes him.
Now, a man regresses back-
To childhood again- where
Mommy helped him dress,
Scheduled his daily routines,
Helped him eat, or hold his cup.
Held his hand as he walked in the park.
Dementia puts the child back in the
    man again!  Full cycle!!
     Sleep is most BLESSED!
Eating BLUEBERRIES may reverse memory loss, according to studies done at University of Reading, says BBC.  Besides acting as antioxidants, they may also activate part of the brain which controls learning & memory.  Eating a variety of fresh fruits & vegetables, with exercise helps, also.  It is important to diagnose early, ao treatment can be started.  There isn’t any cure for Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia, but you can slow down the progression of the disease.
I was surprised, how quickly my husband advanced in symptoms.  Each day seemed to get worse.  Today, he fell down again.  I absolutely could not pick him up.  Finally got him to use his feet & tush to crawl to bed.  A few feet in distance, took almost an hour.  By the time, he was back in bed, we were both soaking wet. 
He’s getting to the stage where, he is not too happy with me.  He has become very demanding.  I am at a loss.  My buddy is quickly becoming a stranger.
My mind, a maze of thoughts,
Travel around in my head.
Never connecting, deciphering,
The messages, what is said,
The worry, repeated questions
I ask, to control with dread.
Do you see me?
Do you hear me?
My past walks with today,
Dead brain cells take a toll.
Yet, my memory has its’ way,
Dementia be its’ goal.
My mind & memory, it has sought!
Sittting in front of me,
His skeleton once strong.
Toddler movements, his gait.
 Now so much gone wrong.
 I talk to the walls,
 No one hears my sad song.
Evoke anger,
Evoke impatience
My husband, a father, my love,
So viral, hard working,  was he.
Sanctioned by the God above,
50 years ago our wedding day.
 For better or worse, our vows they be!

Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: DEMENTIA | No Comments »

My Pop-Pop cried today,
Full of pain & real anguish,
Not sure quite why?
We held him so very tightly,
Soothed the sobbing wail,
Tried to give him the comfort
That was to no avail,
Generation embracing generation.
As long loved material treasures,
Divided with careful attention,
Wrapped carefully for transport,
Dishes, one hundred years old,
Skates displayed, unused, for years,
Mom’s wedding presents past,
Faded relics of a happier family life,
Precious memories paraded out the door.
Emptiness as recalled events,
Brought to light happier days,
Family dinners served, a special treat,
Ice skating on a almost frozen pond.
Grand-mom’s crafted butterfly quilt,
Made from clothing scraps of yesterday.
Tears came to the recipient’s eyes,
As she touched & gazed at history.
The work finished, suddenly occurred,
The memories & weekly outings,
Connected to each precious item.
He recalled his long dead daughter.
Moving to & fro, with lightning speed,
Actions, words, reminders of her presence,
But through his granddaughter, her child,
He yearned to be with her again.
And so, you see the pain, directed-
By multiple reminders, of a younger time,
Hard working, but never realized-
How fast the clock seems to tick
Or time that seemed to be forever.
Youth synonymous with Immortal!
Reality is old age at Death Doors!
Nothing but time- a constant companion!
His pain realized by a younger time.
A little boy’s fascination began with-
Tiny vehicles- multiple sizes, colors, shapes,
Little beep, beeps & vroom, vroom!
Others came with a deafening wail!
When little hands ceased to push,
Battery operated cars provided the thrill.
But most of all the childhood pleasure,
It gave & gave for many years.
Dreams became a owner of-
A newly sought driver’s permit.
How the adrenalin soared,
Driving down the street for all to see.
His new found independence, and HIM,
In the front seat of his wheels.
So proud, he shined & polished often.
The object of his delight!


Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE, CAREGIVER | No Comments »

Pleasure turned to transportation,
Doing the mundane everyday things.
Bringing home his new baby,
A family picnic to the park or zoo.
Teaching his children, the responsibility-
Of driving the car or truck.
Years pass, grandchildren count cars,
From the back seat of his latest mobile.
Much too soon, his eyes start to fail,
His balance is poor, old knees creak!
A fender bender draws attention,
To something hardly noticed before.
“You are getting old Pop,” the son-
Sadly says to him, “ Time to hang up the keys.”
The tears start to flow.  Pop can no longer-
Start the engine, wax & polish the car.
The big & little boy toys are put away,
Life seems to stop, independence lost!
Who’ll get the scripts, groceries, & such?
Appointments, church on hold, money.
Nowhere to go, the days seem long,
No visits to make, leisure summer rides,
Early bird specials are out- so you say!
An early death- to the driver of a Chevolet.

Posted on November 15, 2008 by alicehahn | Edit



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